How to communicate your needs in a relationship
By: Misty Buck, Athlete Mental Health Coach and Contributor to HOFH
Relationships and communication can be tricky, to say the least. If you struggle to communicate your needs in a relationship, you’re not alone. Communication is an important part of any relationship. It helps us understand each other better, and it also allows us to express our feelings and needs. But, sometimes we need to learn how to communicate our needs more healthily. The skills that helped you communicate as an athlete, may need to be tweaked to help you excel in personal and business relationships outside of sports.
8 Tips for Communicating Your Needs in a Relationship
1. Know what you need from your partner.
What are you looking to get out of your relationship with the individual or organization? Identify your needs so that you are clear when you communicate.
If you're having trouble communicating your needs, try asking yourself these questions first:
● What do I really want out of this relationship?
● How can I make sure I'm getting what I need?
● Do I feel safe and secure in this relationship?
● Are there any red flags that might indicate something's wrong?
● Am I holding back on something that needs to be said to avoid conflict?
2. Be Honest About Your Expectations
It's easy to assume that everyone wants the same things as you do, but that isn't necessarily true. If you're expecting your partner to read your mind and understand everything you need without asking, then you might be setting yourself up for disappointment. Instead, try to express your needs clearly so that your partner knows exactly what you want. This will help you avoid misunderstandings and miscommunication.
On the other hand, know that you can’t control other people. Learn to let go and be at peace with their actions. Other people’s choices are ones that they are free to make. If those choices don’t work for you, then be honest with yourself and consider another way to solve the issue or move on.
3. Don't Take Things Personally
“Don’t take anything personally because by taking things personally you set yourself up to suffer for nothing.” ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Most people I know struggle with taking things personally at some point or another. If something someone says or does hurts you or angers you, take a moment to think about what’s really going on. Check in with yourself and be honest.
If you find yourself getting upset by something another person says or does, take a moment to think about whether what they said or did was directed at you specifically. The best way to clarify is to ask them to be clearer about what they just said.
Even if the person is saying something about you specifically, you have a choice in how you respond. You can let them know that what they said hurt and explain why. Sometimes, the other person isn’t aware of the reason something is bothering you, but when you communicate that, you give them an opportunity to understand you.
4. Listen More Than You Talk
It’s easy to assume that people will understand what you mean when you say something, especially when you’re talking about an issue that affects both of you. Learning to be a better listener and meeting others where they are, will help them feel heard, which can only benefit you because they will likely be more open to hearing you out. Before you speak up, make sure you really do understand what the other person means. The best way to do this is to listen actively. Don’t listen to respond. When you focus on your response, you actually stop listening. See if you can hear not just the words, but understand the other person’s intentions.
5. Ask For What You Wan
If you want to communicate your needs clearly, use direct language. Don’t just assume that your partner knows what you need. Instead, tell them exactly what you want and why. This helps ensure that you’re being honest and open about your feelings. It also helps avoid conflict because when you’re clear about what you want, the other person doesn’t have to guess. When you make people guess, they will guess wrong sometimes and you won’t get your needs met. The clearer you can be about your needs, the better your chances will be of getting those needs met. If the person can’t meet those needs, have a conversation about that.
6. Let Go Of Anger And Resentment
“Forgiveness is the greatest gift you can give yourself. It's not for the other person.” – Maya Angelou
It’s easy to feel resentful when you’ve been hurt by another person. However, resentment only hurts both parties involved. You might think that you’ll never forgive the other person, but you’d be surprised at how much better you’ll feel once you let go of anger and resentment. It’s an enormous relief! When you hold on to anger, you’re letting that event have control over you because it still has an emotional hold on you. There is tremendous freedom and power in letting go and forgiving. This allows you to communicate your feelings from a place of peaceful strength. You can forgive someone, by the way, without letting them continue to be a part of your life.
7. Ask Questions to Consider the Other Person’s Needs
It might seem contradictory to consider the other person’s needs in order to get your needs met but think about it. If someone is respecting your needs, you’re more likely to listen and reciprocate. Just as you want your partner to understand you, when you learn more about what makes them tick, you can do a better job of considering their perspective when you communicate with them.
I would also suggest looking at your role in the situation. Are you communicating clearly? Are you respectfully listening to the other person and their needs? Are you maintaining healthy and respectful boundaries not only for yourself but also for the other person?
Relationships take two parties putting in the effort. Be the communicator that you want the other person to be.
8. Don’t Keep Score
Many of the athletes that I’ve worked with have trouble in relationships because they feel like they are conditioned to keep score and win. If you’re only goal in a conversation is to feel like you’re winning, then you’re not only not fully listening to your partner, but you’re also unable to stay focused on what your needs really are. Relationships aren’t about a final score. They require give and take, which is not always 50/50. Focus on being a partner rather than a competitor.
Want more help developing relationship and life skills outside of sports? Contact the Hall of Fame Health (HOFH) concierge call line at (866) 404-HOFH to find out more about treatment centers, health services, and providers like therapists and life coaches. The service line is open to athletes and non-athletes. Scholarship funds may be available on a case-by-case basis through Fund Recovery. If you are experiencing a mental health emergency or require emergency assistance, please call the HOFH Crisis Line at 866-901-1245, call 911, or head to your nearest local emergency room.